She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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