Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
