the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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