so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Everclear isn't food dammit
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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