just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
