We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
