So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Randomize
