I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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