so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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