My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Gay?
German.
Pity.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
