I am midnight drunk by noon
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Let's get the cat blown out
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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