My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
