Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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