There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
