so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
