I wannas sexs uuuuu
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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