but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
