Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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