My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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