My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
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She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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