Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
