she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
