kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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