Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
