My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
