Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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