Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
