This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
