I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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