Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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