I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
farters have to be the big spoon...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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