if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
