I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
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I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
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You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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