Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
