even my farts smell like vagina
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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