I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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