I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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