i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
