remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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