when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
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My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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