my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
