Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
