You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
