dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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