I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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