party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
