I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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