mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
