Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
