You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
