and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You can't special order awesome
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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