Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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