How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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