u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
