he thought i was a dude.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
